Goodbye for now ;)
I watched him walk out the door and felt left all over again. I knew tonight was going to be the last night I would see him before his big move to another state. On the drive over to meet him for dinner, I thought about the feelings I might have, and what I might say.
Our relationship had not been the best. Actually, it had been quite broken for sometime. In recent months something shifted.
It had been 3 or 4 months since our last blow up on Christmas Eve. He reached out to me on his own to say hello, and check on the girls. When his phone number popped up on my phone, I froze for a second. Do I answer? Why was he calling now? Am I even ready to talk? I knew how this played out was up to me. I could be cold, and holdout for some apology, or just accept what was being offered without conditions. I choose the latter.
Did time heal all wounds, or was I just tired of the blaming. It was like we just picked up from an unknown time and moved forward. Perhaps him planning the impending move was the motive to contact me. Whatever the reason, I didn’t care. He made an effort to call the girls and I. He even asked to make plans. We met for lunch and a couple outings. What I had always wanted for myself no longer mattered. All I wanted now was for my daughters to know him. I wanted them to laugh with him, and see how playful he is, and have their own memories. I knew what our past was, and I didn’t want to relive it again.
One may say I was “delusional about my childhood”, a sure thing about children, is they see more, and know more, than we give them credit for. My childhood was lost long before I was ready. I carried the hurt and anger for so long. Never being chosen first, or made a priority, my one man had paved the bumpy road I walked on. The poor decisions I made, the harm I caused to myself, just trying to fill a void. However, God, my husband and two beautiful girls changed my heart and repaved the road.
Sure, I’ll never forget how the young girl felt. Tonight I choose to be that girl again. Dinner was finished and it was time to say bye. All the kids took turns giving hugs. Then I was up, this was my moment to feel what that little girl was feeling. Holding it all in, and hiding inside. As my arms reached around him, I let myself squeeze a little tighter. Just taking in his scent, and placing this moment into my mind. I whispered, “I love you”, and I didn’t want to let go. My mind yelled, “take me back, stay with me, and choose me”. He said, “I love you too”. We let go and all I could say was, “bye daddy”.
Then the phone rang on Mother’s Day, through Facetime I saw his face, and heard his voice. The little girl inside wanted to jump up and down and yell “hi daddy”! The woman and mom I am today said “hi dad”, carried on a conversation before letting my girls say hello to, “Tata”.
I don’t believe a daughter, no matter what age, ever forgets her first love, her father. Good or bad times that love is never forgotten or replaced. I can never go back in time, wrongs will never be made right. I can no longer point fingers and be stubborn. However, I can be grateful for what we have now, and let that little girl shine.
I love you dad!